Well I Got A Bad Liver And A Broken Heart

Dear Dave:

It's official: You're broke. Broke and really in debt. You need to stop drinking. Or at least, stop drinking so much.

And yeah, I know that realization is depressing for you for a number of reasons -- you basically have nothing to show for it except a bad liver. But it's been a long time coming, and you gotta face facts. You're depressed and all, I know, but drinking doesn't help that, and you know it. Don't fucking cry about it, either.

Now get your head back into your job.

Signed,

Yourself.

Friday was Pizza Day, The Best Day of the Week

Today I had to check to make sure my shrink knew what a "booty call" was. (He did.)

Yesterday I got a free stack of blank CD-Roms. I need to burn comedy for friends.

This past Sunday morning I woke up at 6:30 am and spent three hours cleaning my apartment so the Comcast cable internet guy could get through the front door.

Sunday is Father's Day. I'm starting to remember what it's like when you know there aren't too many of them left.

July 3 is an old friend's birthday. He'll spend it, as he spends every other day of the year, at a state penitentiary in Nevada.

July 4 is a Saturday. I need plans that involve me drinking somewhere besides home.

Tuesday, my friend gave me his bad luck SF Giants cap as a parting gift -- he left for New York last nite.

Tomorrow is Casual Friday, but stupid clients mean I still gotta wear slacks and uncomfortable. That'll last until they leave at 2:00. Then I'm going pantsless.

Tuesday would have been my grandmother's 92nd birthday.

Saturday is Koko B. Ware's 52nd birthday. I remember watching him as a kid, before his "Birdman" run in the WWF, when he and Norvell Austin teamed up as the Pretty Young Things. ("PYT!")

Last Thursday I got drunk.

Today I admitted to myself that as much as I loathe serial wife-cheater Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.), I see why hunnies want to get with him: The man has hair that I would kill for.

And everyday I still miss her.

Since Puff the Magic Dragon Ceased His Mighty Roar

Uh, shit, embedding this fucking comic means it won't fit right here.

Oh wells. Read anyway.

And I'm Turning To The Horoscopes And Looking For The Funnies

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
Remeber: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.

Even The Onion's horoscopes hate me.