I Don't Think I'm Ever Going To Figure It Out

I can't tell a story. Here's an example of me making a very funny story not funny:

So, my friend's cat died a couple of days ago, and she was talking about her boyfriend handling the removal and disposal of the body. I guess she'd been telling that story at work earlier in the day, because one of her co-workers had the following story:

So, this woman was housesitting for a couple who went on vacation for a week. The couple had a dog the woman took care of. Well, one day the dog dies. She's unsure of what to do; apparently, she's unable to contact the couple to get instructions from them, and she doesn't want to leave a dead dog body lying around the house for a week or whatever. She decides to have it cremated and the ashes put in an urn, because that's what she thinks the couple would have wanted.

This is happening in Chicago, BTW, which is very important to the story. The woman doesn't have a car and gets around by the subway or whatever they have out there. She doesn't want to bring a dead dog stuffed in a garbage bag on the subway, and thank god for that. Instead, she puts the body in a roller suitcase and brings that to the subway instead. Guess it wasn't a very big dog.

One guy asks her if she needs help getting it downstairs, but she's very protective of it and says, "No! I'm fine!" But that doesn't help when another guy runs buy and steals the suitcase with the dead body inside.

So now she's got a new problem. She doesn't have to worry about getting rid of the dog anymore, but she also doesn't have any ashes to present to the family as evidence of their dead little doggie. So she goes to their BBQ grill and takes the ashes from there.

A thief stole a dead dog, and a couple in Chicago have spent charcoal that they think was their precious dog.

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What happened?

I don’t know. You know, ask anyone in Hollywood. Everybody has a Bill Murray story. He just punishes people, for reasons they can’t figure out. He was a student of Gurdjieff for a while, the Sufi mystic. Gurdjieff used to act really irrationally to his students, almost as if trying to teach them object lessons. There’s a great story along those lines that Jim Belushi tells about Del Close, the improv teacher: Jim went up to Del once, when he was a young actor, and he said, “Del, I want you to know that I really, really trust you.” And Del kneed him in the balls, really hard, and asked, “You still trust me?” Bill was always teaching people lessons like that. If he perceived someone as being too self-important or corrupt in some way that he couldn’t stomach, it was his job to straighten them out.

Harold Ramis has a really great interview in the new GQ, btw.

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Also: I just learned that Afroman's "Because I Got High" was a #1 single in, among other countries, Australia, the UK, and Norway (Scandinavians really loved it as a whole.)

I mean, it's OK and all, and it's about weed, which is cool, but really, Denmark? It's a simple novelty song. It's Dr. Demento-like. I like Dr. Demento-like songs and all, but I wouldn't want or expect any of them to be the #1 song in the fucking country. Especially if it's in a foreign language! Or how about you, France, don't try to act all, "It didn't reach #1 here," which doesn't hide that it reached #2 over there.

Fuck foreign snobbery.

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Gotta go to a birthday party. Not doing any things for Pride weekend since I have no gay pride, but that's only because I'm am completely absent of any gayness. I never caught it. I was innoculated young or something. Maybe it was watching Heavy Metal as a kid and seeing a hot naked animated lady with a faintly lavender bush. That may sound very gay, but even at age seven or whatever, I was like, "I'd be down for some of that."

So there you go: If you don't want your kids to be gay (not that there's anything, y'know), make them watch Heavy Metal when they're very young.



(Also: South Park had a Heavy Metal spoof? Why was I not informed?

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Gotta run. Here is adorableness.

Politicians Hide Themselves Away, They Started This War, Why Should They Go Out And Fight?

Bit of a mind-boggling admission from Orange County Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher in today's Washington Post:

As Rohrabacher points out, drug legalization isn't politically palatable to a majority of House members who face reelection every two years. "If it was a vote - a blind vote where nobody knew who was voting - you would have overwhelming support for legalizing marijuana out there, but they will never vote for it because they are afraid of taking on a controversial issue."

Now, politicians are, generally, lying dirtbags. But I can't see why Rohrabacher would lie in this instance (I don't think he needs to win over Huntington Beach stoners to stay in office). Rohrabacher is a bit of a crazy libertarian type, like Ron Paul, so I'm guessing he's accidentally just telling the truth here (aka a Kinsey Gaffe).

But man, how depressing is that? The fucking politicians say they'd happily vote for marijuana legalization if only their constituents didn't find out! And then their constituents might get all pissy and be all, "We don't want you smoking your marijuana in your office and then giving it to my kids!" And they're afraid that some other self-important asshat who probably doesn't give a fuckall about weed but who sees the issue as chance at winning a seat in Congress and rocketing them to D.C. stardom decides to use that phrase as a campaign slogan to oust them.

Buncha fucking invertebrates. Hey, vote on an issue you think is best for the country, but risk your job in the process. (Yes, "risks!" You know, those things you are taught to avoid in politics!) You won't be "fired" from your job right away -- you'll be able to keep it until at least January 2010 -- and in the meanwhile maybe you could, you know, explain to your constituents why you thought this was worthwhile. You know, debate and argue and educate with them. (Sounds kinda... democratic, doesn't it?)

I mean, if I had the option of voting to legalize weed, and it meant that, 21 months from now I MIGHT lose my job as a result of it, well, I would balls up and vote hella yeah. Then again, my job, like most jobs, isn't anything like "serving" in Congress.

A couple of years ago I read a book review by Brad Carson, who'd been an Oklahoma Congressman before leaving the House to run a good but ultimately doomed campaign for Tom Coburn's Senate seat. I remembered one thing he wrote that succinctly summarized his view of life in Congress, and how much better that job is than almost any other:

Today, the unspoken truth is that, for a member in a safe district, being in Congress is one of the easiest jobs imaginable: free meals, discounted or free tickets to events, a two-day work week that never starts before noon, and more than $160,000 per year.

You'll Behold In Breathless Wonder

[Got fucking dammit, can't even get an animated .gif to post here. Anyhow, go to Flubby's link, or here.]

Not feeling any better after I saw this, which is really bad, because normally I like this kind of thing:

Via Flubby

99% Of Us Is Failure

Quote dump:

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

-- Bill Hicks (via Pie)

It’s easy to be miserable. Being happy is tougher — and cooler.

-- Thom York (via Quote Book) [Great, now I'm getting lectured by a lazy-eyed Englishman.]

A hug can turn your day around, it’s like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you, and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety comes shooting out of your mouth, and you can breathe again.

-- Pushing Dasies [The TV Show?] (via Little Miss)