I realize that my hatred for people who fuck around behind their partners' (or whatever) backs, and my subsequent moralizing about it, condemns me to repeat that same mistake and cheat on someone in the future.
And even though that means I'm guaranteed to have sex with at least two more women in my lifetime. That might seem like not such a bad thing, but afterwards, I'd probably kill myself. (Or die suddenly, then have my widow find out how much I'd been cheating on her, like this poor lady. Then of course I would learn that there is hell, and my rotten soul was condemned to burn for eternity.)
I should stop reading Crap E-Mail From A Dude. It reminds of what a bunch of childish pricks men are, and contributes to my man-hating, which is not a good thing for a dude with self-esteem issues. (The Mark Sanford one is all kinds of awesome -- I know, I said I didn't read his e-mails, but here I just read the footnotes and scrolled up to see what section of the e-mails they pertained to. That does not not make me a hypocrite.)
"15. Here the speaker reveals he is also not a specialist in metaphor. Readers should be warned of the dangers of putting gas in one's bank account, or love in one's gas tank."
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OK, I'll stop. Wait! One more thing about cheating. So you're cheating on someone. What do you do?
(1) Stop the affair, then admit it to your partner. Probably the most honorable thing, as it is also the most difficult. No guarantee of forgiveness, of course, but it might be your best shot.
(2) Stop the affair and don't tell your partner, and hope she doesn't find out about it later. Riskier, since if she does find out you're should be fucking toast. So don't take any photos together, definitely DO NOT make a sex tape, do not keep e-mails or texts or (gah!) Twitter twats about it. Oh, and make sure your mistress or whoever doesn't have an STD. Giving your wife herpes or the clap after you've been married is a dead giveaway. Even if it was just a one-night thing and it "doesn't really count," because (a) it does, and (b) herpes lasts a lifetime!
(3) Keep on fucking, so you can get caught. People who are cheating on their partners are probably not completely with it (what with hormones and all that) and get sloppy and make mistakes. Besides the aforementioned texts, sex tapes, e-mails, and STDs, stuff like scarfs, socks, condom wrappers, long hair that does NOT match your wife's hair, etc., can be left around during your encounters. Your credit card bill will show you spent a lot of nights at hotels in town when you were supposedly somewhere else. You can be caught fucking someone else in your own bedroom, which will result (at least) in your aggrieved "partner" throwing all of your shit out the window. (In San Francisco, your shit will likely break when it hits the sidewalk.) A friend will find out and then tell your partner. I mean, there are all kinds of ways for not-so-famous people to get caught cheating. It'll happen -- assume it.
Of course, you can be like one-time Wonkette and Gawker editor Alex Pareene, who was caught cheating with his friend's wife(!) when a local paper wrote about his "girlfriend's" apartment being robbed while she and Pareene were there and her cuckolded husband found out about it from the article.
Pareene high-tailed it to New York soon after.
(Oh, and the slut he was sleeping with was Ally Kearney. If you Google "ally kearney," the first hit that comes up is the previous link re: Pareene fleeing. So that's nice to know.)
So yeah: assume you will get caught. That is why I don't commit crimes ...anymore... and it is (another) reason why you shouldn't fuck around.
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And yes, I realize that no woman would ever want to cheat with me, because I am a broke-ass Lard Smuggler.
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