And All You Wanted Is My Love In Your Mouth

I realize that my hatred for people who fuck around behind their partners' (or whatever) backs, and my subsequent moralizing about it, condemns me to repeat that same mistake and cheat on someone in the future.

And even though that means I'm guaranteed to have sex with at least two more women in my lifetime. That might seem like not such a bad thing, but afterwards, I'd probably kill myself. (Or die suddenly, then have my widow find out how much I'd been cheating on her, like this poor lady. Then of course I would learn that there is hell, and my rotten soul was condemned to burn for eternity.)

I should stop reading Crap E-Mail From A Dude. It reminds of what a bunch of childish pricks men are, and contributes to my man-hating, which is not a good thing for a dude with self-esteem issues. (The Mark Sanford one is all kinds of awesome -- I know, I said I didn't read his e-mails, but here I just read the footnotes and scrolled up to see what section of the e-mails they pertained to. That does not not make me a hypocrite.)

"15. Here the speaker reveals he is also not a specialist in metaphor. Readers should be warned of the dangers of putting gas in one's bank account, or love in one's gas tank."

==========

OK, I'll stop. Wait! One more thing about cheating. So you're cheating on someone. What do you do?

(1) Stop the affair, then admit it to your partner. Probably the most honorable thing, as it is also the most difficult. No guarantee of forgiveness, of course, but it might be your best shot.

(2) Stop the affair and don't tell your partner, and hope she doesn't find out about it later. Riskier, since if she does find out you're should be fucking toast. So don't take any photos together, definitely DO NOT make a sex tape, do not keep e-mails or texts or (gah!) Twitter twats about it. Oh, and make sure your mistress or whoever doesn't have an STD. Giving your wife herpes or the clap after you've been married is a dead giveaway. Even if it was just a one-night thing and it "doesn't really count," because (a) it does, and (b) herpes lasts a lifetime!

(3) Keep on fucking, so you can get caught. People who are cheating on their partners are probably not completely with it (what with hormones and all that) and get sloppy and make mistakes. Besides the aforementioned texts, sex tapes, e-mails, and STDs, stuff like scarfs, socks, condom wrappers, long hair that does NOT match your wife's hair, etc., can be left around during your encounters. Your credit card bill will show you spent a lot of nights at hotels in town when you were supposedly somewhere else. You can be caught fucking someone else in your own bedroom, which will result (at least) in your aggrieved "partner" throwing all of your shit out the window. (In San Francisco, your shit will likely break when it hits the sidewalk.) A friend will find out and then tell your partner. I mean, there are all kinds of ways for not-so-famous people to get caught cheating. It'll happen -- assume it.

Of course, you can be like one-time Wonkette and Gawker editor Alex Pareene, who was caught cheating with his friend's wife(!) when a local paper wrote about his "girlfriend's" apartment being robbed while she and Pareene were there and her cuckolded husband found out about it from the article.

Pareene high-tailed it to New York soon after.

(Oh, and the slut he was sleeping with was Ally Kearney. If you Google "ally kearney," the first hit that comes up is the previous link re: Pareene fleeing. So that's nice to know.)

So yeah: assume you will get caught. That is why I don't commit crimes ...anymore... and it is (another) reason why you shouldn't fuck around.

==========

And yes, I realize that no woman would ever want to cheat with me, because I am a broke-ass Lard Smuggler.

Of What I Think I Thought I Heard You Loved Me

I've been sporting a beard the last few weeks. I didn't make a decision to grow one, it's just that my laziness and dislike for shaving grew and grew and one day I had a beard and people I ran into lied and said they liked it. Which is nice -- I need some fucking compliments, people. Us needy, terrible insecure people thrive on them.

Of course, fat, slovenly and bearded make me look like Zach Galifianakis. And that's OK, because right now I wistfully imagine that people are better able to tolerate ugly people, at least this summer, anyway.

I'm gonna pick up a beard trimmer tonight from Walgreen's. That'll give me something to do besides drink.

==========

The Mark Sanford adultery confession thing was amazing. I was listening to the Slate Political Gabfest on Friday, and realized I had a very similar reaction to John Dickerson and David Plotz (I can't remember what Emily Bazelon said. But that's not being sexist, because she's pretty, and it always helps to pay attention to what pretty people!). Both Dickerson and Plotz seemed to go into it with some level of enjoyment and enthusiasm -- here's another idiot elected official admitting to sexytime with someone not-his-wife, and he's a southern Christian GOP-type to boot! Awesome!

But as they watched it (as I did), I became increasingly uncomfortable with it. I was embarrassed for myself for taking any sort of joy out of it. Sanford was a fucking trainwreck. He was really emotionally unstable out there, and was confessing to being an unfaithful husband to the entire planet. He hadn't moved beyond it, because he was still caught up in the moment, which is never the best time to go on TV and apologize for anything. We were watching a human catastrophe, and I'm not that into schadenfreude. (Also: it's not like Mark Sanford ever really did anything to me. I live far, far away from his shitty hillbilly state.)

Cheating on your spouse or partner or whatever is bad. I think it's really bad -- among the worst things a person can do in this country without breaking the law. And a lot of it is old person morality -- don't fucking cheat on your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend! You only end up hurting the people you love, or at least the ones who love you. Especially if you have kids. Why would you do that? For some secretive, guilt-ridden sexytime? No thanks. I am a horny-ass bastard, but folks who are taken are completely off my radar. (Yes, even the really hot ones.)

And then I also get made because... look, I'm a single, straight guy. (All of the following apply to others regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Unless you're into bestiality, in which case you need to be shot in the head.) There are plenty of single, straight guys out there who need fucking. Probably a lot of single ladies, too. And so if a guy goes around cheating, he has not only taken one lady off the market (his wife/partner-person), but he's also removed another lady from the pool of available ladies for single, straight guys like me. You're double-dipping, and double-dipping is not allowed with either salsa or fucking ladies.

The fact that congressman, senators, governors and presidents have all been caught in the last decade or so fucking people who are not their wife also points to the stupidity and egomania these assholes possess. It's one thing when Joe Schmoe has an affair -- that's stupid and bad enough. But elected officials like these guys are famous, Important People, which means they have things like an army of staffers, PR people, security details, and reporter-types around them all the time, focused on you, the Important Person. How do you expect to fuck around and not have these people notice? Because then you're entrapping your staff-type people in your affair, because if they notice something is going on and don't say anything, then their complicit in the adultery. (Not saying they should say anything, necessarily, but whatevs.) And if the Important Person lies to them, then great, now they are not only being lied to by their boss (and quite possibly someone they admire -- their are a lot of idealistic idiots out there), but then disseminate that lie to other people.

Reporters don't have that kind of loyalty to an Important Person, of course, so if they catch wind of it then you're fucked. And they probably will catch wind of it, because they're paid to, and EVERYONE loves a good adultery story, even if they're too embarrassed by it to read the horny e-mails you wrote to your mistress in Argentina -- like me.

Of course, I'm also the forgiving, normally not-judgmental sort.