Of What I Think I Thought I Heard You Loved Me

I've been sporting a beard the last few weeks. I didn't make a decision to grow one, it's just that my laziness and dislike for shaving grew and grew and one day I had a beard and people I ran into lied and said they liked it. Which is nice -- I need some fucking compliments, people. Us needy, terrible insecure people thrive on them.

Of course, fat, slovenly and bearded make me look like Zach Galifianakis. And that's OK, because right now I wistfully imagine that people are better able to tolerate ugly people, at least this summer, anyway.

I'm gonna pick up a beard trimmer tonight from Walgreen's. That'll give me something to do besides drink.

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The Mark Sanford adultery confession thing was amazing. I was listening to the Slate Political Gabfest on Friday, and realized I had a very similar reaction to John Dickerson and David Plotz (I can't remember what Emily Bazelon said. But that's not being sexist, because she's pretty, and it always helps to pay attention to what pretty people!). Both Dickerson and Plotz seemed to go into it with some level of enjoyment and enthusiasm -- here's another idiot elected official admitting to sexytime with someone not-his-wife, and he's a southern Christian GOP-type to boot! Awesome!

But as they watched it (as I did), I became increasingly uncomfortable with it. I was embarrassed for myself for taking any sort of joy out of it. Sanford was a fucking trainwreck. He was really emotionally unstable out there, and was confessing to being an unfaithful husband to the entire planet. He hadn't moved beyond it, because he was still caught up in the moment, which is never the best time to go on TV and apologize for anything. We were watching a human catastrophe, and I'm not that into schadenfreude. (Also: it's not like Mark Sanford ever really did anything to me. I live far, far away from his shitty hillbilly state.)

Cheating on your spouse or partner or whatever is bad. I think it's really bad -- among the worst things a person can do in this country without breaking the law. And a lot of it is old person morality -- don't fucking cheat on your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend! You only end up hurting the people you love, or at least the ones who love you. Especially if you have kids. Why would you do that? For some secretive, guilt-ridden sexytime? No thanks. I am a horny-ass bastard, but folks who are taken are completely off my radar. (Yes, even the really hot ones.)

And then I also get made because... look, I'm a single, straight guy. (All of the following apply to others regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Unless you're into bestiality, in which case you need to be shot in the head.) There are plenty of single, straight guys out there who need fucking. Probably a lot of single ladies, too. And so if a guy goes around cheating, he has not only taken one lady off the market (his wife/partner-person), but he's also removed another lady from the pool of available ladies for single, straight guys like me. You're double-dipping, and double-dipping is not allowed with either salsa or fucking ladies.

The fact that congressman, senators, governors and presidents have all been caught in the last decade or so fucking people who are not their wife also points to the stupidity and egomania these assholes possess. It's one thing when Joe Schmoe has an affair -- that's stupid and bad enough. But elected officials like these guys are famous, Important People, which means they have things like an army of staffers, PR people, security details, and reporter-types around them all the time, focused on you, the Important Person. How do you expect to fuck around and not have these people notice? Because then you're entrapping your staff-type people in your affair, because if they notice something is going on and don't say anything, then their complicit in the adultery. (Not saying they should say anything, necessarily, but whatevs.) And if the Important Person lies to them, then great, now they are not only being lied to by their boss (and quite possibly someone they admire -- their are a lot of idealistic idiots out there), but then disseminate that lie to other people.

Reporters don't have that kind of loyalty to an Important Person, of course, so if they catch wind of it then you're fucked. And they probably will catch wind of it, because they're paid to, and EVERYONE loves a good adultery story, even if they're too embarrassed by it to read the horny e-mails you wrote to your mistress in Argentina -- like me.

Of course, I'm also the forgiving, normally not-judgmental sort.

Mama Won't Shave Me, Jesus Can't Save Me

Saw The Hangover last nite. Funny. It made me forget for 90 minutes how much I really don't like Las Vegas and have never, and will never, have a good time there.

Points:

(1) I love Ken Jeong's Mr. Chow character. I especially loved the fat jokes he aimed at Zach Galifianakis ("Its funny because he's fat!"). I find little else funnier than fat jokes. Alas, I am also a fattieshark, so I felt like Ken Jeong's insults were aimed at me. I felt bad as well.

(2) Ed Helms, who plays "Stu," the uptight dentist friend of the group, loses a tooth in the film. Helms actually has a gap in his teeth where an adult incisor never grew in. I had that same problem, only I think I had two (three?) adult teeth that never grew in. Nice work, dead dentist. I've been painfully embarrassed and ashamed of it ever since the baby teeth got pulled. ("Cut to 26 years later! Time flies when you are anxious!" -- Maria Bamford) Ed Helms' reaction after his character discovers his missing tooth, "I look like a nerdy hillbilly!" made me laugh and cry at the same time. So then late last nite, while stoned and drunk, I texted that quote to Jess. Not that she responded (she never does -- not that I blame her... much). That kind of painful, self-deprecating humor is something she loved. (Past tense, Dave, past tense.)



(3) Rachel Harris, who played Stu's bitchy, controlling, fun-hating fiance Melissa: I've never had the opportunity to fuck the pain away before. I think the closest I've probably come is fucking away the memories of a boring, typical work day. BUT!if I ever did have the opportunity to fuck the pain away, she -- or at least her completely hateful character -- would be Numero Uno con una bala.

(4) I have never studied Spanish.

(5) I don't know what was worse: Having to sit through a trailer for Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween 2 (even the sequel needs a remake!), or the following trailer for the next Final Destination film, in 3-D. It like Hollywood execs don't ever care if their studios make money anymore, they just want to throw money to make sure that pretty, thin people -- and Rob Zombie! -- stay pretty and thin. And that requires cocaine, which requires money, which requires grossly undeserving Hollywood salaries.