When The Moon Is Round And Full, Gotta Bust That Box Gotta Gut That Fish

I had a dream last night that I watched the movie Moon.

I haven't seen Moon in the non-dreamy world. It looks intriguing, and I like Sam Rockwell, but I've heard it's slow and boring.

But what I watched last nite in my head... it was Sam Rockwell in a Moon-like movie, but it did not appear to take place on the Moon. Like somewhere in that kind of setting, somewhere in space, but not actually on the Moon.

Afterwards, I discussed that aspect with someone else who watched Moon in my head with me. That person said it was Moon, but it was heavily edited in post-production to make it not appear as if it was on the Moon. The screening results indicated that film was too slow, and so the producer-director people decided that was the fault of it being on the Moon.

And despite that, it was still a boring film -- in my head.

And then this morning, I woke up early (because I went to bed early because I was hammered) and within five minutes I discovered Patton Oswalt's upcoming film, Big Fan. This is guaranteed to be the opposite of suck.

If I Should Die, Darlin', In Your Arms, What A Lovely Way To Go.

A good nine-and-a-half minutes to pass the time on a lazy Thursday night with a joint, a beer, and a cigarette:

We laugh together, we care for each other, we have highly proficient sex... why can't we get married?

You Were Wearing Funny Shoes, You Were Going To A Dance, You Were Dressed Like a Punk

Nike Dunk Low Premium Teen Wolf

is having the right to say “yo girl. these are my Teen Wolf shoes” really worth $200? i cant believe i’m actually thinking it might be.

See, I'm stupid enough to buy something like this, and then wear them, and then have nobody notice them, and if I do say something about them to somebody, like "Hey, check out my shoes! Only 72 pairs made! Cost over $200! And the best part? They're called 'Teen Wolves!' You know, like the movie, with Michael J. Fox, Teen Wolf? No, these aren't the shoes he wore in the film. They were INSPIRED by the film," I'd feel like a guy who is just trying way to hard.

I might have two friends who would be impressed with this. Wait -- four. The others would realize that spending $200 on a pair of shoes that were inspired by the film Teen Wolf -- Fuckin' Teen Wolf! -- is a ridiculously bad idea, especially when you're broke. Also: while it would be possible for a guy wearing them to get with a girl, they'd both trustafarian hipsters with coke problems. And that ain't me.

Glad to see I still have a shred of common sense.



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That reminds me: my Chuck Taylors both have holes in the sole. On Saturday, someone noticed that not only did my left shoe have a hole in it, but so did the sock beneath, so about a nickel-sized amount of bare skin was exposed.

And Zappos -- WTF, Zappos? -- Zappos doesn't seem to have any navy or black Chuck Taylors. Orange? Sure, orange they got. And yellow, chocolate, and a bunch of other colors I really wouldn't want to wear out on a daily basis. ("Why are you wearing bright orange sneakers?" "Um, Zappos didn't have em' in black.")

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OH GAWD. Wikipedia:

"In June, 2009, MTV announced that they would be adapting Teen Wolf into a television series "with a greater emphasis on romance, horror and werewolf mythology".

Because that needed to happen.

And if you've never seen Teen Wolf, here's a quick summary via, uh, An Original Idea:

Mama Won't Shave Me, Jesus Can't Save Me

Saw The Hangover last nite. Funny. It made me forget for 90 minutes how much I really don't like Las Vegas and have never, and will never, have a good time there.

Points:

(1) I love Ken Jeong's Mr. Chow character. I especially loved the fat jokes he aimed at Zach Galifianakis ("Its funny because he's fat!"). I find little else funnier than fat jokes. Alas, I am also a fattieshark, so I felt like Ken Jeong's insults were aimed at me. I felt bad as well.

(2) Ed Helms, who plays "Stu," the uptight dentist friend of the group, loses a tooth in the film. Helms actually has a gap in his teeth where an adult incisor never grew in. I had that same problem, only I think I had two (three?) adult teeth that never grew in. Nice work, dead dentist. I've been painfully embarrassed and ashamed of it ever since the baby teeth got pulled. ("Cut to 26 years later! Time flies when you are anxious!" -- Maria Bamford) Ed Helms' reaction after his character discovers his missing tooth, "I look like a nerdy hillbilly!" made me laugh and cry at the same time. So then late last nite, while stoned and drunk, I texted that quote to Jess. Not that she responded (she never does -- not that I blame her... much). That kind of painful, self-deprecating humor is something she loved. (Past tense, Dave, past tense.)



(3) Rachel Harris, who played Stu's bitchy, controlling, fun-hating fiance Melissa: I've never had the opportunity to fuck the pain away before. I think the closest I've probably come is fucking away the memories of a boring, typical work day. BUT!if I ever did have the opportunity to fuck the pain away, she -- or at least her completely hateful character -- would be Numero Uno con una bala.

(4) I have never studied Spanish.

(5) I don't know what was worse: Having to sit through a trailer for Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween 2 (even the sequel needs a remake!), or the following trailer for the next Final Destination film, in 3-D. It like Hollywood execs don't ever care if their studios make money anymore, they just want to throw money to make sure that pretty, thin people -- and Rob Zombie! -- stay pretty and thin. And that requires cocaine, which requires money, which requires grossly undeserving Hollywood salaries.

The Fountain of Youth Not Robotron

Think about how many video games have been turned into movies. I don't want to confuse it as some sort of lame marketing campaign tie-in, but video games (ala Pac Man or the NBA Jam series) that were pitched, sold, produced and marketed as motion pictures.

Off hand, I can name Super Mario Brothers, the Mortal Kombat series (it was a series, right? And "Kombat" was spelled with a "K"?), the Resident Evil series ("MOOLTIPASS!")... Street Fighter? (The Chun Li film? GAHHHH!)

(FYI, I mean, like Hollywood-made films, not shit from Japan or whatever. Those Japanese people are weird.)

And I said to myself, "Oh, Dave, remember when you were 17 and your high school physics used to use that "I would say to myself, 'Self," joke, and you thought it was funny. Just like you thought Jazz's use of "ginormous" in 1986's Transformers the Movie was funny and original. Clearly, you can not maintain your comedy pace, Self.



Fucking Awesome! I can't decide if Lil' Robotron Dude should be played by either Peter Dinklage or Tony Jaa. But there should definitely be some hot, sweaty, slutty love interest played by an actress resembling Alicia Witt.

Anyhow, Robotron: that should be a movie. A fucking great movie. Gimme 90 minutes of robots getting their electrolytes blown out of them by a triple-jointed fool with eyes in the back of his head, and I'd be there. High. And alone. Oh god.