Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Fell Asleep Between My Knees

A tear-jerking reminder as to why women from San Diego will break your heart and leave you empty and confused and alone while they go off and have a great time:

"Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins native to the South Atlantic, made [New York] headlines six years ago when they came out with their same-sex relationship. … That all ended when Scrappy, a single female newly arrived from SeaWorld in San Diego, caught Silo’s eye. … On Thursday, Roy, all alone, sat disconsolately at the edge of the penguin area, staring at the wall."

They even give the sads to penguins! Five'll get you ten that Scrappy gets frustrated with Silo's feelings and moves on to a hotter, younger, much richer puffin.

A truly horrible species of woman.

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Also, I finished GTA IV a few nights ago. What is up with video games and these morally-complex, bittersweet endings? When I was a kid it was all about kicking the bad guy's ass and then taking the princess home and fucking her, forever, The End. But now -- I make the right choices and my girlfriend is gunned down while attending my cousin's wedding. And she was one of these crazy virtuous women who also was saving herself for marriage, so I never got to tap that! (And she died a virgin!)

And even after I blow away her killer on the equivalent of Ellis Island after a long car/motorcycle/boat/helicopter/foot chase, I'm left completely numb, my hope for a new life in America ruined because of the lifestyle I chose to pursue.

Fuck my video game life.

The Fountain of Youth Not Robotron

Think about how many video games have been turned into movies. I don't want to confuse it as some sort of lame marketing campaign tie-in, but video games (ala Pac Man or the NBA Jam series) that were pitched, sold, produced and marketed as motion pictures.

Off hand, I can name Super Mario Brothers, the Mortal Kombat series (it was a series, right? And "Kombat" was spelled with a "K"?), the Resident Evil series ("MOOLTIPASS!")... Street Fighter? (The Chun Li film? GAHHHH!)

(FYI, I mean, like Hollywood-made films, not shit from Japan or whatever. Those Japanese people are weird.)

And I said to myself, "Oh, Dave, remember when you were 17 and your high school physics used to use that "I would say to myself, 'Self," joke, and you thought it was funny. Just like you thought Jazz's use of "ginormous" in 1986's Transformers the Movie was funny and original. Clearly, you can not maintain your comedy pace, Self.



Fucking Awesome! I can't decide if Lil' Robotron Dude should be played by either Peter Dinklage or Tony Jaa. But there should definitely be some hot, sweaty, slutty love interest played by an actress resembling Alicia Witt.

Anyhow, Robotron: that should be a movie. A fucking great movie. Gimme 90 minutes of robots getting their electrolytes blown out of them by a triple-jointed fool with eyes in the back of his head, and I'd be there. High. And alone. Oh god.