Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Fell Asleep Between My Knees

A tear-jerking reminder as to why women from San Diego will break your heart and leave you empty and confused and alone while they go off and have a great time:

"Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins native to the South Atlantic, made [New York] headlines six years ago when they came out with their same-sex relationship. … That all ended when Scrappy, a single female newly arrived from SeaWorld in San Diego, caught Silo’s eye. … On Thursday, Roy, all alone, sat disconsolately at the edge of the penguin area, staring at the wall."

They even give the sads to penguins! Five'll get you ten that Scrappy gets frustrated with Silo's feelings and moves on to a hotter, younger, much richer puffin.

A truly horrible species of woman.

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Also, I finished GTA IV a few nights ago. What is up with video games and these morally-complex, bittersweet endings? When I was a kid it was all about kicking the bad guy's ass and then taking the princess home and fucking her, forever, The End. But now -- I make the right choices and my girlfriend is gunned down while attending my cousin's wedding. And she was one of these crazy virtuous women who also was saving herself for marriage, so I never got to tap that! (And she died a virgin!)

And even after I blow away her killer on the equivalent of Ellis Island after a long car/motorcycle/boat/helicopter/foot chase, I'm left completely numb, my hope for a new life in America ruined because of the lifestyle I chose to pursue.

Fuck my video game life.

Just Because You Came Across It, And Lost It

OK, shower, go to BBQ fundraiser and drink and eat, resume weight loss/self-improvement tomorrow after lame weekend.

Also: Stop watching Pot Psychology. It's funny and all, but I keep imagine every question is being submitted by Jess.

Frownypants!

Fat Boy On A Diet, Don't Try It, I'll Jack Your Ass Like A Looter In A Riot

See if you can guess where Day 2 of Dave's Unofficial Diet went off the rails:

1) Tempeh salad for lunch;
2) Ran 1.5 miles (give or take);
3) Small Quizno's veggie sandwich (no mayo, forgot it had cheese);
4) Three Kettle & Sodas while catching up with a bartender who's been on tour with one of his bands for the past month;
5) Learn that another bartender and his new wife are apparently getting divorced, get saddypants, drink three beers and four whiskeys;
6) Go home and drink more beer;
7) Cry.

And I am so fucking hungry right now.

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Also: Fuck Carol Migden.

But I'm Staying On My Meds And Drinking Plenty of Diet Coke

When it's 2:50 in the morning, what else would you rather be doing than fighting off a depressive episode with Budweiser and herb?

I have a stuffed dachshund toy that she bought for me one Friday. It's name is Bendypants. He's looking right at me. I feel like I've let him down, and because of me, he'll never see Jess again. That makes me way so irrationally sad.

I'll be OK, and all that; I'm a lot different person than I was four months ago or whatever (thanks, Doctor Therapist!).

Depression: It sucks!!!!

But I Knew The Sense Of Worthlessness She'd Have To Raise Above

Feeling very guilty about getting drunk four times in twenty-four hours. I'm washing my running clothes right now, and I want to go for a run in a bit.

I'm also way, way, way baked at the moment, and have never gone running while stoned before. So doing that on a beautiful San Francisco July 4 afternoon should be interesting.

I told a few people that I planned on getting back on Facebook this weekend. So I did that today. Facebook welcomed me back by suggesting that I add Jessica as a friend. Fucking terrific. Just seeing her little micro-profile thumbnail pic was like, "Really? That wasn't what I needed, Facebook." Facebook doesn't care, though.

Craptastic. I'm already thinking about her enough as it is this weekend. This is the one year anniversary of our move, two years ago we were chilling at Dolores Park, and yesterday I asked a mutual friend to inquire about getting my share of the deposit back on our place. I knew this weekend could be rough for me -- I told my shrink as much -- but I'm a little surprised at how much it's gotten me down.

I don't think getting drunk four times in 24 hours helped, either.

And Steve McNair! What kind of bullshititude is going on with the world today?

Sunbeams Are Not Made Like Me

Speaking of famous dead musical legends...

"Very sad. Looks like a normal soccer-playing kid."

I agrees.

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I guess I was feeling a bit overconfident because by the time the waitress was able to direct the woman’s attention over to the bar to see who had ordered the drink for her, I was already masturbating.

Tom Oatmeal is my internet find of the workday.

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Things I Would Like To Learn How to Do:

1. Photoshoppin' -- like, actually Photoshop shit, not just add text to a photo or use the macrame filter or something.

2. Make videos. Just like, record shit off of TV or the Internet and make it into a video, and not just hold a camcorder or an iPhone in front of the TV.

3. Moonwalk. I've wanted to moonwalk forevs. Being old, white, fat, and not terribly coordinated are four strikes against me. Also: Running Man.



4. Drink less.

5. Have amazing sex.

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Things I Used To Do But No Longer Do Because They Reminds Me of Jessica:

1. Watch Flight of the Concords.

2. Watch 30 Rock.

3. Watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. (OK, I've never watched it, but I want to, but I can't, because it would remind of Jessica, who after we broke up developed a love for the show.)

4. Walk on Sutter Street.

5. Be happy.

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Eight or nine hangovers in a row, plus about six hours a sleep a night, plus being ridiculously busy at work all week leaves Dave with little energy to do any work at all on Friday.

I Hope You Die A Fiery Death, I Love You. God, I Need You

Today is/was the 2-year anniversary since Jess and I met. So far, it's going swimmingly. I must have blown $100 last nite getting trashed. Woke up this morning at 7:00 am and proceeded to get royally baked. Wound up 25 minutes late for work. Posted a brief San Diego missed connection for Jess. Am going to see Doug Benson tonight (he's recording a CD over at the punchline) with a friend.

I would much rather be smoking more and playing Fallout 3 than working right now; amazingly, I am actually getting work done.

And I haven't cried yet today! Oh, success never felt so empty.