Mama Won't Shave Me, Jesus Won't Save Me

A guy says, "I hate Jews," and I said, "Why?" He goes, "Because they killed my God." They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I'd worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there's some badasses on that team, man. I haven't seen God ever, I see Jews all the time – go figure. -- Bill Hicks

I don't care about people's religion much. To each his or her own. Religion has been a part of every society ever (right?), and even though we're all fancy dancy now with our telescopes and movies about dinosaurs, there are still lotsa people who are religious out there. (Like, billions and billions of them.)

I'm an atheist, and I became one when I realized that I didn't have faith. I didn't, and still don't have faith in a God or gods or some sort of higher power. But lots of other people do. So I'm not gonna hate on the religious just because I lack something they have. I'm not one of those Richard Dawkins/Christopher Hitchens "new athiests" or anti-theists or whatever they call themselves. So long as I'm comfortable in my atheism, and they're comfortable in whatever they're comfortable in believing, and no one is hurting another person or infringing on their rights in the process (Note: Definitely not always the case), then Budda Bless Em'.

(Note: This does not include people who believe in astrology. Those people are dumb.)

Having said all of that, professional basketball players are not where one should look for religious guidance or profound thoughts. Other than knowing which strip clubs are the best and where to find a good lawyer to handle those palimony claims, professional basketball players shouldn't be look to for guidance about ANYTHING. (Especially fashion.) They're people, many of whom are especially bright or well-educated, who have pretty much dedicated their entire lives to putting a ball through and stopping other people from doing likewise.

I thought of the above quote from Bill Hicks a little while ago after I read this this gem from Stephon Marbury, who I never imagined to be particularly bright but also didn't think of as a particularly religious person.

"Do I believe in aliens?" I don't know, because I've never seen one. But I believe in Jesus because I saw him in the shower the other day."

See? The Jews didn't kill Jesus -- he's taking a shower at Stephon Marbury's house. With Stephon Marbury!

Fortunately, there are no aliens in Stephon Marbury's shower, so we're safe. FOR NOW.

(After reading the other excerpts from Marbury's live stream of his life, uh, I think he's just a mixture of equal parts stupidity, ego, and insanity.)

And that reminds me of this:

And Honey, You Can Make My Motor Hum

I want to have sexylovetime with Sarah Haskins. I'm also very, very drunk.



Cheers to a lazy, drunken July 4, surrounded by friends who like you for who you are. America has something to do with that.

Reminiscing, Got Me Feeling Kinda Low, I Broke Out The Everclear and Then I Drunk Some 'Mo

1:56 in the morning of July 4. This is the 4th time I've been drunk in the last 24 hours. There is some fool out on O'Farrell playing a recorder, which is the most incorrectly-named musical instrument of all time. It doesn't record fuckall, it just makes irritating noises that you want to get away from. If I was prone to beating up people on the street, that guy would be all hurty by now.

Last nite I was talking to some guy named "Dean," which I thought was amusing because I was drunk and when was the last time you talked to a guy named "Dean," especially when you're drunk? Anyhow, during our discussion about the neighborhood, I realized that the random street noise in the 'Loin really does aggravate me. It's not people coming home drunk from a bar at 1:00 in the morning that annoy me. It's the people who make loud, unnecessary noise at all hours of the day. Like some guy playing a recorder, f'r instance.

Goddamned depressed. July 3 of last year was my last day of work. July 4 was an awesome BBQ with a ton of friends, followed by karaoke at Encore. July 5, we were on the road to our new life in San Diego. I still miss her so much.

I've also never had a massage.



Also: last nite I suggested that a friend name her new kittehs Mr. and Mrs. Snugglepants.

I was laughed at. Just like Sarah Palin is laughed at every day, by everyone, because she is a clown. God, I always thought she was just a narcissistic egomaniacal weirdo, but her resignation speech is kind of a strange mess, n'est ce pas?

Anyway, Happy Birthday, America. Keep on dancing:

That'll Never Get Old

I've watched this a 100 x 69 times before, and I agree.

In Another Life You Might Have Been A Genius

Tonight I drunkenly texted a friend and asked her (yes, it's a her) if she wanted to see Maria Bamford with me on August 12. I've been asking my comedy buddies, Don and Magi, if they're down, but they're evasive because they're saving up for their annual trip to Jersey. (And, after playing GTA IV, I do not understand their love for it.)

Anyhow, forget about me texting a girl to see a comedy show. (I don't believe I've ever seen one without one.) I just really love Maria Bamford. Today I got a t-shirt I ordered from her, as well as an autographed photo that referenced passive-aggressiveness, so I was all turned on.

She was also one of the four stars of the Comedians of Comedy tour, along with that guy from The Hangover, Patton Oswalt, and Brian Posehn.

Comedy! From chicks! It's a vastly underrated pleasure in life.

Mama Won't Shave Me, Jesus Can't Save Me

Saw The Hangover last nite. Funny. It made me forget for 90 minutes how much I really don't like Las Vegas and have never, and will never, have a good time there.

Points:

(1) I love Ken Jeong's Mr. Chow character. I especially loved the fat jokes he aimed at Zach Galifianakis ("Its funny because he's fat!"). I find little else funnier than fat jokes. Alas, I am also a fattieshark, so I felt like Ken Jeong's insults were aimed at me. I felt bad as well.

(2) Ed Helms, who plays "Stu," the uptight dentist friend of the group, loses a tooth in the film. Helms actually has a gap in his teeth where an adult incisor never grew in. I had that same problem, only I think I had two (three?) adult teeth that never grew in. Nice work, dead dentist. I've been painfully embarrassed and ashamed of it ever since the baby teeth got pulled. ("Cut to 26 years later! Time flies when you are anxious!" -- Maria Bamford) Ed Helms' reaction after his character discovers his missing tooth, "I look like a nerdy hillbilly!" made me laugh and cry at the same time. So then late last nite, while stoned and drunk, I texted that quote to Jess. Not that she responded (she never does -- not that I blame her... much). That kind of painful, self-deprecating humor is something she loved. (Past tense, Dave, past tense.)



(3) Rachel Harris, who played Stu's bitchy, controlling, fun-hating fiance Melissa: I've never had the opportunity to fuck the pain away before. I think the closest I've probably come is fucking away the memories of a boring, typical work day. BUT!if I ever did have the opportunity to fuck the pain away, she -- or at least her completely hateful character -- would be Numero Uno con una bala.

(4) I have never studied Spanish.

(5) I don't know what was worse: Having to sit through a trailer for Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween 2 (even the sequel needs a remake!), or the following trailer for the next Final Destination film, in 3-D. It like Hollywood execs don't ever care if their studios make money anymore, they just want to throw money to make sure that pretty, thin people -- and Rob Zombie! -- stay pretty and thin. And that requires cocaine, which requires money, which requires grossly undeserving Hollywood salaries.