Satsfaction's Guaranteed If You Know What I Mean

Stoned and sad and feeling like the Most Unlikeable Person Ever!!!

If I've got some problems well I wouldn't be the first but the ones I have in mind are even worse and even Hitler had a girlfriend who he could always call who'd always be there for him in spite of all his faults.

-- Even Hitler Had A Girlfriend by The Mr. T Experience. I only listen to this song when I need to distract myself from filling up my Visine bottle with Multi-Surface Windex Vinegar.

It's OK, It's All Right, Nothing's Wrong

I'm sitting here, up since six 6:20 am, stoned, depressed but trying to distract myself by thinking about porn star tattoos and how much they resemble the more typical tattoo work that people get done. (My guess is not much, but then I don't hang out and have sex with too many naked people. Especially dudes.)

I check my e-mail, and I get an email from my mom:

Hope you are doing okay

Remy bit a chow when the chow ran out and wanted to attack Max ; Remy bit the chow and the chow ran away

I think my mom is some sort of poetry idiot savant. There is little in life that is less appealing to me than poetry, but the thousand-monkeys my mom has typing away in her head can produce some amazing results.

Sobriety is good for her.

Sit Back And Get Fat Off The Fat Cat

Fat Japanese cat with a love for empty boxes cheered me up today for nearly two minutes. Good work.

The Fountain of Youth Not Robotron

Think about how many video games have been turned into movies. I don't want to confuse it as some sort of lame marketing campaign tie-in, but video games (ala Pac Man or the NBA Jam series) that were pitched, sold, produced and marketed as motion pictures.

Off hand, I can name Super Mario Brothers, the Mortal Kombat series (it was a series, right? And "Kombat" was spelled with a "K"?), the Resident Evil series ("MOOLTIPASS!")... Street Fighter? (The Chun Li film? GAHHHH!)

(FYI, I mean, like Hollywood-made films, not shit from Japan or whatever. Those Japanese people are weird.)

And I said to myself, "Oh, Dave, remember when you were 17 and your high school physics used to use that "I would say to myself, 'Self," joke, and you thought it was funny. Just like you thought Jazz's use of "ginormous" in 1986's Transformers the Movie was funny and original. Clearly, you can not maintain your comedy pace, Self.



Fucking Awesome! I can't decide if Lil' Robotron Dude should be played by either Peter Dinklage or Tony Jaa. But there should definitely be some hot, sweaty, slutty love interest played by an actress resembling Alicia Witt.

Anyhow, Robotron: that should be a movie. A fucking great movie. Gimme 90 minutes of robots getting their electrolytes blown out of them by a triple-jointed fool with eyes in the back of his head, and I'd be there. High. And alone. Oh god.

Politicians Hide Themselves Away, They Started This War, Why Should They Go Out And Fight?

Bit of a mind-boggling admission from Orange County Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher in today's Washington Post:

As Rohrabacher points out, drug legalization isn't politically palatable to a majority of House members who face reelection every two years. "If it was a vote - a blind vote where nobody knew who was voting - you would have overwhelming support for legalizing marijuana out there, but they will never vote for it because they are afraid of taking on a controversial issue."

Now, politicians are, generally, lying dirtbags. But I can't see why Rohrabacher would lie in this instance (I don't think he needs to win over Huntington Beach stoners to stay in office). Rohrabacher is a bit of a crazy libertarian type, like Ron Paul, so I'm guessing he's accidentally just telling the truth here (aka a Kinsey Gaffe).

But man, how depressing is that? The fucking politicians say they'd happily vote for marijuana legalization if only their constituents didn't find out! And then their constituents might get all pissy and be all, "We don't want you smoking your marijuana in your office and then giving it to my kids!" And they're afraid that some other self-important asshat who probably doesn't give a fuckall about weed but who sees the issue as chance at winning a seat in Congress and rocketing them to D.C. stardom decides to use that phrase as a campaign slogan to oust them.

Buncha fucking invertebrates. Hey, vote on an issue you think is best for the country, but risk your job in the process. (Yes, "risks!" You know, those things you are taught to avoid in politics!) You won't be "fired" from your job right away -- you'll be able to keep it until at least January 2010 -- and in the meanwhile maybe you could, you know, explain to your constituents why you thought this was worthwhile. You know, debate and argue and educate with them. (Sounds kinda... democratic, doesn't it?)

I mean, if I had the option of voting to legalize weed, and it meant that, 21 months from now I MIGHT lose my job as a result of it, well, I would balls up and vote hella yeah. Then again, my job, like most jobs, isn't anything like "serving" in Congress.

A couple of years ago I read a book review by Brad Carson, who'd been an Oklahoma Congressman before leaving the House to run a good but ultimately doomed campaign for Tom Coburn's Senate seat. I remembered one thing he wrote that succinctly summarized his view of life in Congress, and how much better that job is than almost any other:

Today, the unspoken truth is that, for a member in a safe district, being in Congress is one of the easiest jobs imaginable: free meals, discounted or free tickets to events, a two-day work week that never starts before noon, and more than $160,000 per year.

Could We Get A Drunk to Stoner Translator In the Room?

Women like to say that the #1 thing they look for in a man is "sense of humor." And I happen to know that women who say that are lying liars who are lying. I'm a professional humoredian. I have done the research, and I know that what women are really looking for are large pensisisses and lots and lots of cash. But it's not ladylike to walk around going, "I like cocks and money!" So you have to say, in lieu of "cocks and money" ("Cocks and money!!!"), you have to say "sense of humor." And then that confuses ignoramuses like myself, because I think all I need is a sense of humor and boom, I'm in, all I have to do is say something funny.

-- Doug Benson, from Professional Humoredian

Well You Play That Tarantella All The Hounds Will Start To Roar

You're a dog. You're sitting there on the floor, or in a chair, or maybe you're out for a walk. And then you hear sirens from a fire truck or ambulance. Now, being a dog, you've got really sensitive hearing, so obviously the piercing sirens aren't any fun to hear.

So what is your response to the sirens? Do you lay down and try to cover your ears with your front paws, like an adorable little bundle of cuddleness? Or do you start barking your head of?

Every dog I've ever seen does the latter. Why? Is it angry at the sirens and trying to tell them to stop? Does it think that it should do its job to notify others of the emergency, and starts barking to get people attention, ala Lassie? Is it some kind of quasi-epileptic fit you go into, like those kids who start having seizures when they watch Japanese TV?

What is your problem, dog? Cats don't do that shit.